Answering the Colbert Questionert

I have to admit, I don’t watch many news programs. I get most of my updates from OPB radio while driving between church meetings, school pickups, and coffee dates with congregants. But when it comes to unwinding, I like my news wrapped in a little satire and wit. That’s why I’ve long been a fan of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. He’s clever, conversational, and unafraid to say what he really thinks—something I deeply respect in any human, but especially in public figures.

So you can imagine how I felt when I learned that CBS will be ending The Late Show with Stephen Colbert next June. I almost canceled my Paramount Plus subscription on the spot. But I didn’t. Not yet. Because for now, he’s still there—and I still want to hear what he has to say about the world. At least a little while longer.

One of my favorite segments on The Late Show is the “Colbert Questionert.” It’s silly and profound all at once. Seemingly random questions that somehow manage to peel back the layers of a person. And so, in honor of one of my favorite question-askers, I decided to give it a go myself. Here’s how I would answer The Colbert Questionert:

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Best sandwich?

• BLTA—with mayo—on toasted sourdough. The avocado is non-negotiable. Perfection.

What’s one thing you own that you really should throw out?

• An overstuffed box in my office full of half-used notepads with sermon fragments, bulletins from Advent 2021, outdated meeting minutes, and a handful of pens I might have borrowed from the bank. I keep telling myself I’ll “circle back,” but let’s be honest—that box is a black hole.

What is the scariest animal?

• Squirrels. Especially the ones that invade your sewing room through the chimney while you're on vacation, terrorize your cat, and then dramatically perish on your favorite chair. You can’t make this stuff up.

Apples or oranges?

• Apples. They're better for baking, sharing, and tossing into a church potluck fruit salad.

Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

• Not exactly. But I worked in the seminary mailroom and handled a lot of mail and asked for signatures—including one from Elie Wiesel. Does that count?

What do you think happens when we die?

• We are gathered back into the heart of God—fully known, fully loved, and finally at peace.

Favorite action movie?

• Kindergarten Cop. Because nothing says high-stakes drama like a room full of 5-year-olds and Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to maintain order. Honestly, it mirrors my home life more than I’d like to admit.

Favorite smell?

• Orange blossoms. They smell like joy, like sacred simplicity, like the fields near my parents’ house in California.

Least favorite smell?

• That old musty church smell that hits you as soon as you walk into the room that holds the Church archives. No amount of Febreze can fully banish it. Blech.

Exercise: worth it?

• Absolutely. Especially swimming, or a long walk where the breeze clears your head and the rhythm helps you pray.

Flat or sparkling?

• Flat. Unfussy, reliable, hydrating. Like the waters of baptism—reminding us we are alive, claimed, and loved.

Most used app on your phone?

• Cozi. It’s basically the glue that holds my household together. Calendars, shopping lists, meal plans—if it’s not in Cozi, it doesn’t exist.

You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?

• “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls. Because the journey—the searching, the asking, the wondering—is the point.

What number am I thinking of?

• Eleven. (If my son was asking this it would be right!)

Describe the rest of your life in five words:

• Rooted. Renewing. Creative. Loving. Faithful.

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So there you have it. As Stephen would say, "you are known." A little theology, a little humor, a little chaos—and maybe a mystery pen or two. Thank you, Stephen Colbert, for reminding us that questions—even silly ones—can lead to deeper truths.

And to the rest of you: What would your answers be?